Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
