awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
