she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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