If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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