woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Randomize
