Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I will pee on everything he values.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
