wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
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and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
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Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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