Do you still have your period?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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