Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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