I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
