I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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