I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
