i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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