Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
