Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
