i can't believe i had my finger in that
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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