Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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