i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Randomize
