dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
