I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
