so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
