how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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