You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
