Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
