Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
