ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
No subtext here. People are naked.
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My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
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I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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