I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
