You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
