i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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