i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
