whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
