Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
