Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
And my parents said I crawled through the house
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