Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
