And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
