do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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