Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
