did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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