At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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