they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
