i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
