Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
