I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
