I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
