you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
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