she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
