why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
