Your mouth is God's brothel.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize