As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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