The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
