please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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