you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
