Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
