My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
