Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
