i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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